Now hold on! I know you’re probably saying to yourself, “Oh noes, it’s one of those annoying video game character lists again!” Relax. This isn’t technically one of those at all. Seriously, calm down. Everything is going to be okay.
Instead of all that, this is going to be a much more tasteful kind of list which portrays with great grace (or lack thereof) the top five gaming sidekicks who were so damn annoying that they quite literally caused you to happily daydream about killing them off from their canon for good.
Wait… no one else got so far as the daydreaming part? Oh… uh… anyway, let’s go ahead and get the party started, shall we? In no particular order (since they all reside in the vaunted I-legit-want-to-stab-them-in-the-face plateau):
- Roman Bellic (GTA IV) -
Signature Quote: ”Niko, you’re a bitch!”
There’s nothing worse than having an unkempt, overweight slob accompanying you around for hours on end whilst they spew endless streams of shit. Especially when you’ve been doing him favor after favor after saving-his-ass-from-getting-stomped-six-feet-under-the-ground favor without so much as a peep of complaining. And, oh yeah – you guys are related, too (unfortunately).
Even despite essentially being your introductory anchor and guide into the amazing, fabulous and magically-corrupt world of Grand Theft Auto IV, most couldn’t help but wish they could simply put a bullet in Roman’s head from the outset. And instead just figure everything out on-the-fly from then on out on their own. Thankfully for all of us, though, there is an opportunity to “off” your hopelessly destructive cousin later on in the game — albeit unknowingly. Which is almost just as good!
- Carth “Fleet” Onasi (SW: KotOR) -
Signature Quote: ”Oh, ouch. I think you hurt my man-feelings with that one.”
When it comes to being a well-rounded character in regards to you wanting to slay him, Carth Onasi manages to hit the big-time with a trifecta. Not only does he have the look of someone who’s trying very, very hard to look nonchalant while undressing you with his eyes , he also possesses arguably the least badass sounding name/nickname combo in the history of names — fictional or no.
Top it all off with his exceptionally annoying nature that just reeks of the stereotypical do-gooder, albeit with him shamelessly shoving it down your throat and telling you approximately 47 times about how he has trust issues.
It ultimately becomes clear to even the most unassuming of players early on that Carth’s nickname — “Fleet” — is obviously not descriptive of his agility as much as it is of his propensity to annoy the shit of you almost within seconds of meeting him. We toast a shattered and lethally sharp shard of glass to you, good sir!
- Slippy Toad (Starfox 64) -
Signature Quote: ”Hey! Leave me alone!”
It’s never a good sign when something like 75% of a characters’ dialogue consists of him proclaiming how he either hopes he doesn’t die, is happy he wasn’t killed or is assuring everyone he’s still alive, and 25% are pathetically humorous comebacks retorted at his being made fun of. But such is the legend that is Slippy Toad — a legend that has rightfully garnered him a place on practically every single list of this kind in our world’s history thus far.
Basically, if you were to pick one man to have your back in a foxhole, it would most certainly behoove you not to choose Slippy Toad. Mainly because he would likely try to save his own ass and fly away with said foxhole, leaving you to deal with shit yourself, sans cover, all while squeakily proclaiming across all radio channels, “Slippy here. I’m okay.”
If only friendly fire were somehow possible in the game…
- Navi and Tingle (Legend of Zelda) -
Signature Quotes: ”Hey! Listen!” – Navi
“Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-limpah!” – Tingle
Yeah, that’s right — I’m giving the number two spot to two separate Legend of Zelda characters. Mainly because their respective annoyance levels are legendary throughout the realms of men. Wanna fight about it?
Seriously, though, while Navi’s obviously the more annoying of the two, I couldn’t bring myself to include one and not the other. Especially when said other is wearing… whatever the fuck it is Tingle is wearing up there (an image you can thank my wizard-like MS Paint skills for, thank you very much!). Please, I urge you to try and look at that image with a straight face and tell me those two characters weren’t destined to forever be made fun of forevermore. While also remembering that you actually have to travel with one of those things throughout your travels in Hyrule.
Hopefully you were able to resist the extreme charge of carnal rage that surged and cried out within you and avoid headbutting your monitor. If not, well, uh… my bad?
- Chip (Sonic Unleashed) -
Signature Quote: ”Chocolate Chip Sundae Suuppreeeeme!”
Chip, also known as Light Gaia (wait, what?), very well may be the most non-threatening character ever created in the history of video game characters. If you don’t believe me, kindly reference his likeness once again directly above us. You see? It’s a legit claim.
While Sonic was never really known for being a dick to his teammates, you have to figure he’d get pretty damn annoyed about having this guy following him around all the time, quite literally bringing nothing ”to the table” – save for constantly creaming his pants whenever someone mentions ice cream.
Wait a second, I don’t think he wears any pants…
Other Honorably Infuriating Mentions: Raiden’s Girlfriend (MGS2), Ashley Graham (RE4), Sheva Alomar (RE5), The Dog (Fable 2 & 3)